Song & Original Writing · Written by Sean Michaelson
Original Writing: 10/27/22 · Song Version: 2/19/26
Original Writing
Many times I would stand outside and stare up at the sky to pray to God. I would speak to Him in the best way I knew how, with great desperation. My words were simple back then, filled with such great hope that He could actually hear me, listen to me, and help me. For the longest time, it was more than hope. I truly believed the songs. Songs like this one:
“Jesus understands children, for He was little once too. Was He picked on and teased? Did He skin His knees? Just like you and me. So when we pray about bad dreams or learning how to read, or toys we lose or tying shoes, He’ll send the help we need.”
I didn’t ask Him about lost toys or tying shoes. I asked Him to simply turn the nightmares into bad dreams. At least then, maybe I could sleep. My prayers weren’t about innocence and joy; they were a lament to bring innocence and joy back. And they would only return a deafening silence.
After countless prayers and heartbreaking destruction throughout a short seventeen years of life, I found myself at multiple ends. I was lost, roaming around in a living death of breathless darkness. There was nothing left, and I hated myself deeply.
On this hopeless, darkened night, I got in my car and hit the back roads where I had gone so many times before to escape the world. Speeding down the road with tears in my eyes, I started screaming. Out of breath, with my heart broken, I yelled at God:
“I HATE YOU, GOD! WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? YOU KNOW WHAT, THE HECK WITH YOU, GOD! I DON’T WANT YOU ANYWAY! STAY AWAY FROM ME FOREVER! SEE IF I CARE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Screaming down the road as fast as I could, I shut off the headlights to match my surroundings with the place my heart was in.
Darkness. Pulling onto the dirt road that led high above the valley, I was full of hurt. My body shook with pain, and my heart cried in despair.
Slowly, I turned off the engine and whispered:
“Are You really there?”
Staring out into oblivion, slowly shutting down inside, my eyes drifted across the black lake shimmering with the lights of the city, until they became fixed on one sacred point.
As that point came into focus, my body immediately became still. The hurt, fear, and heartbreak inside me dissolved into oblivion, and my heart filled with a love unlike anything I had ever felt before.
Out in the distance, I remained fixed on the one thing I could see. Afraid to blink, I stared at that beautiful white temple, its golden spire burning through the darkness like a pillar of fire shining just for me on that darkened night.
And in the silence, I whispered out loud:
“Hello God… I love You too.”
There are many, many memories I have of that temple throughout my life, but this is the one I hold closest to my chest. That night was going to end in one of two ways. I was going to leave that mountain with or without God.
I never dreamed I would finally hear Him.
It is because of that night, because of that experience, because of that temple, that I believe in God.
I wrote these words while fighting to preserve that temple, hoping somehow that enough voices and enough love could save it.
Ultimately, we failed.
It was torn down.
Even now, I still struggle to fully put into words what that feels like. There is a deep grief that comes with losing something so tied to my childhood, my faith, and one of the most sacred moments of my life.
But as painful as that loss has been, one truth still remains: What happened there was real.
The building mattered deeply to me, but it was never only about the building.
It was about the moment silence finally broke.
It was about the night I finally heard Him.
And no one can tear that down.
I truly hope people will remember how sacred it was and understand what was lost when that very special holy place was torn down.
It is my hope to preserve not only my own experience, but also the experiences of so many others.
It was never just a building.
It was part of me.
It was part of my childhood.
And it was a huge part of my belief in God.
Pillar of Fire (Song Lyrics)
Pillar of Fire
Verse 1
I used to stand beneath the sky
And pray the only way I knew
Small hands folded, simple words
Believing Heaven saw me too
They said a child could ask for help
For bad dreams, scraped-up knees
I wasn’t asking God for toys
I was begging my body for peace
Praying innocence would stay
Praying shame would disappear
But silence only filled the dark
And no one answered fear
Verse 2
Seventeen and worn so thin
Breathing felt like living death
Lost somewhere inside myself
With hate caught in my chest
So I drove those back roads fast
Tears and darkness in my eyes
Screaming at the God I loved
Asking Him why He let me die
“I hate You God! Where are You now?
Why don’t You love me too?
Stay away forever then—
I’m done believing You!”
Pre-Chorus
Headlights off to match my heart
Blackness everywhere
Racing toward the mountain top
Too broken for a prayer
Chorus
I was leaving with or without You
I was done with the fight
If You were real, then where were You
In the middle of my night?
I screamed Your name into the silence
And the silence screamed back too
I couldn’t hear You. I couldn’t see You.
I couldn’t find my way to You.
Verse 3
Engine off, the shaking stopped
Hate dissolved to fear
Softly in the quiet air
I whispered, “Are You here?”
The black lake stretched beneath the dark,
Carrying the city in silent flame.
Then fixed upon that sacred hill
And something changed my soul
Chorus
And there You were — still burning
Like a pillar in the night
And all my hate collapsed to nothing
In that sudden golden light
Not thunder. Not a lecture.
Just love I couldn’t outrun
And in the silence of that fire
I heard You say, “My son.”
Yellow flame against the darkness
Steady, constant, true
And out loud, wrapped in that love, I said—
“Hello God… I love You too.”
Bridge
That night could have gone two ways
I would have driven down alone
But the mountain held a witness
In that light that felt like home
Final Chorus
I am leaving here with You
I am not alone tonight
Because You met me in the breaking
And You turned my dark to light
Not a voice and not a thunder
Not a sign for all to see
Just a temple in the distance
Shining mercy back at me
And I will never forget it—
That love that made me whole:
It wasn’t just a pillar of fire…
It was You reaching my soul
Outro
It wasn’t just a building
It wasn’t stone or flame
It was the night I almost left
And the light that stayed
Listen to the Full Song
Note: The music and vocal performance for this song were generated using AI tools. The original writing and lyrics were written by me (Sean Michaelson). My hope is to someday collaborate with musicians and vocalists to bring these songs to life in a deeper and more personal way.
